In 2023, I was asked to write a guest post for a neurodiversity advocacy blog. My contact was initially excited and enthusiastic, and I became excited too. This would be a great chance to build my audience and get paid for it!
So I drafted a piece and sent it over. Only to be met with crickets. I tried following up. Again, nothing.
Resentment started building. I felt trapped in this weird limbo – surely I had to keep following up?
I’d already put in the work.
They’d asked me to write it.
I was committed now.
Until I realised something: It’s my choice whether I want to persist or not.
This opened up a space I hadn’t seen before. If they’re ghosting me now, what are they going to be like when I’m waiting for payment? Maybe they’re so disorganised they won’t even publish my piece?
I saw the choice: What if I stop following up?
So I did.
And they didn’t follow up either.
We were both freed up to do work that was more important to us.
The Covert Contracts We Make With Ourselves
That moment taught me something about the invisible obligations I create for myself. I’d made what I call a “covert contract” – an unspoken agreement that once I’d started something, I had to see it through. No matter how the other party behaved. No matter whether it still served me.
I wasn’t actually trapped. I just felt trapped because I couldn’t see the choice I had.
This pattern shows up everywhere.
We tell ourselves we “have to” keep going to that networking event that drains us. We “must” maintain friendships that have run their course. We’re “committed” to projects that no longer align with our goals.
We use language that hides our choices from ourselves.
“I have no choice.”
“I’m stuck.”
“I can’t just quit now.”
But we always have a choice. We just forget to look for it.
When Obligation Language Takes Over
Unpopular opinion ahead:
I’ve started noticing how often people frame their decisions as if they have no agency. “Exercise is non-negotiable for me.” “Family dinner is non-negotiable.” “This is just what I have to do.”
The word “non-negotiable” strips away choice entirely. It’s disempowering language masquerading as strength.
When someone says “exercise is non-negotiable,” they’re missing the powerful why behind their choice. They’re neglecting the intrinsic motivation that comes from understanding why exercise serves them. That understanding becomes crucial when motivation wanes.
More importantly, they’re training themselves to think they have no choice – when choice is actually their most powerful tool.
The Power of Recognising Choice
Writing my book on decision-making exposed how many “decisions” we accept as unchangeable facts. By recognising more areas where we actually have choice, we become more empowered rather than constrained by invisible rules.
When people ask me about important practices in my life – journaling, reflection, meditation – I don’t frame them as obligations.
Instead of saying my Sunday reflection time is “non-negotiable,” I explain: “Carving this time out enables me to organise my thoughts, think clearly, and make room for creative ideas in a way that rushing through the week simply can’t.”
This language reminds me that I’m choosing this practice because it serves me, not because some external rule demands it. When it comes to hard things, reminding myself of the choice I have changes how I approach them. It changes my state of mind and actually increases my motivation to do difficult but valuable work.
The Real Question: Choosing vs. Feeling Trapped
The goal isn’t to quit everything or abandon all commitments. It’s to recognise when you’re choosing to persist versus when you feel trapped into persisting.
When you feel resentment building around something you “have to” do, pause and ask: What choice am I not seeing here? What covert contract have I made with myself?
Sometimes the answer is to keep going – but now you’re doing it consciously, understanding why it serves you.
Sometimes the answer is to step back, like I did with that guest post I mentioned.
Either way, you’re no longer a puppet at the whims of life. You’re someone making conscious choices.
What to Do Instead
Where you feel obligated or trapped, look for the hidden choice. Ask yourself: How is this serving me? What would happen if I chose differently?
If it genuinely serves you, articulate why you choose it rather than treating it as imposed from the outside. If it doesn’t serve you, experiment. Stop following the invisible rule and see what happens.
Be mindful of what you tell yourself, because you’re always listening.
If you use language of obligation and trapped circumstances, that’s what your world becomes. If you remind yourself of the choices you have, you build what I call learned agency.
The transformation isn’t about making different choices. It’s about recognising that you’re always choosing – even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Everything becomes possible when you remember you’re the one holding the pen.
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