Sometimes, I wonder if I invested in a relationship too long before exiting.
In many posts (and a book!), I have demonstrated how I used journalling to reduce anxiety and regret in my decisions.
But that uneasy feeling of “That’s time I’ll never get back” creeps up when I least expect it and slaps me across the face.
Let’s talk about one of the most important relationships many of us will encounter: employment.
A tale of two gigs
Consider the following story:
I was working at a place where I was micromanaged, then I got offered this sweet job where I got paid 2x as much. However, after a year of working there, I found that my values were not aligned with the business and I didn’t like the person I was becoming as a result of working there. So I got out of there before I became even more resentful.
Here’s another story:
I was working at a place where I was micromanaged. I went and got a sweet job where I got paid 2x as much. Except…things felt a bit weird. They seemed to want to control what I post on social media, even when it wasn’t work related. About a year later, I realised an exciting opportunity. So I handed in my resignation, was wished well by my ex-colleagues and opened an exciting new chapter.
You may have realised that these two stories are about the same career decision. However, one likely had a more positive flavour than the other.
The Order Matters
Ever heard the advice “what you say when you talk to yourself matters”?
Well, it also turns out it matters how you start and end the story you tell yourself as well.
Let’s explore how to write our stories to maximise the satisfaction and minimise the regret when we retell them, whether to ourselves, or others.
Redemption and Contamination Stories
On the Hidden Brain Podcast, psychologist Jonathan Adler similarly recounts stories from his life and shows how changing the beginning and ending can change how we feel about the story.
Adler identifies two patterns:
Contamination stories
This is where we emphasise the positive aspects early in the story and the negative aspects later in the story. This structure often leads to feelings of regret and resentment about the experience.
Redemption stories
This is where we emphasise the negative aspects early in the story and the positive aspects later in the story. This structure often leads to feelings of satisfaction and fulfilment regarding the experience.
For more details on this, check out the Hidden Brain Episode: Change your Story, Change your Life.
Try it for Yourself
It’s your turn.
Think about a story of regret that may be replaying in your mind. You may want to write it out.
Now, get creative. Think about positive things that happened towards the end of the story.
It may feel like clutching at straws initially, but keep at it. Try emphasising these elements and diminishing or deleting the negative ones.
Now, try and think of some of the more negative or challenging things that may have opened the story. Try emphasising these and erasing the initial positive elements.
Now tell the new story. It may not quite fit as snugly as the initial reporting of events but that’s because you’ve likely been telling yourself the same story for a while.
So it may take a few retellings for the new narrative to find the same snug fit.
I hope this short post has shown you the power of story and recounting our experiences in a way that you can feel fewer regrets about some of the more challenging decisions.
And, if you want to know more about how to reduce regret in decision-making, I literally wrote the book on that 😉
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